How to Deal With Rejection
Photograph by Cookie the Pom
One of the hardest things creatives have to deal with is rejection. As if it wasn’t hard enough to put your work out into the world – to pitch to agents, to submit a grant request, to approach producers – you take a deep breath, send your work out into the world with as much enthusiasm as you can muster, and then you get a no.
Rather than looking ahead, keeping calm and carrying on – giving yourself a pat on the back for your efforts, you quickly spiral into a horrible sense of despair. You go from feeling angry at the world to being furious with yourself, to realising your work isn’t worthy of interest, to feeling that you’ve committed a terrible act of hubris in putting your voice out into the world. Before you know it, you’re thinking “I’m a bad person.”
Seen from the outside, it’s a bizarre pattern. Why would you react so strongly to a person who simply doesn’t click with your work? How can it all turn into a full blown existential crisis? Here’s the thing. Reacting to rejection by questioning our value is hard wired into humans. We are social animals, and finding out that we are being turned down makes us feel not just undesirable but marginalised. That’s one of our greatest terrors as humans – being cast out of our group and left with no good reason to exist. Living on the outside can feel like a death sentence – no surprise rejection is so hard to stomach.
In fact, the pain associated with rejection is so deep and visceral that some scientists even explored the possibility of healing it with painkillers. But instead of looking for a cure, we tend to do all the wrong things. We isolate, because we convince ourselves that nobody would understand our pain, that it’s too shameful to share. And we numb the pain with the usual suspects – addictive behaviours of all kinds. This only prolongs the pain and slows down our recovery.
This is what psychologist Guy Winch wants to promote - a constructive path to recovery from rejection. First, you should acknowledge that the pain is real, and you should treat it in the same way as we would deal with a wound. Would you drink yourself silly if you broke your leg? No. You would seek medical assistance. With rejection, a CT scan and a cast won’t do the trick, but what Winch discovered is that there are very simple and effective ways of processing the hurt. Rather than flitting from anger to self-hatred and despair, he recommends reaching out to your network – calling a friend, for example, or if you’re away form home, looking at photos of your loved ones. The idea is to remind yourself that you are valued within your group. Another important step to take, according to Winch, is to write an exhaustive list of all the reasons why you make a good creative.
So, for example, if you’ve pitched a film project for funding and you got turned down, you would write all the reasons that make you a great film director to back. It might look something like this:
I have a strong and original vision.
I have a great team.
I’m great at delivering projects on time - I don’t tend to run over much.
I’m resourceful when there’s a problem. I’m good with budgets.
My latest short won an award and people have told me they can’t get it out of their heads.
I tackle issues nobody talks about and which are really important.
I’m a great team player - I’m good at receiving feedback. I really listen and I’ll amend my plan if I think the feedback makes a strong point.
Keep going until you’ve run out of ideas. Then, pick one of the items from the list – the one which seems most meaningful to you. Write a couple of paragraphs to elaborate on it. Repeat the process for as long as you need. It’ll help you to get back on track, strengthen your resolve and also it’ll allow you to refine your voice – to make your intentions far clearer by explaining to yourself what makes you stand out from the crowd, and what makes your voice valuable. You may even want to edit your work according to what you’ve discovered and thereby strengthen your message.
So next time you feel rejected, take a moment to observe what goes through your mind. Is there anger? Where does your thinking lead you? How can you recover and grow from the setback?
I’d love to hear from you. Tell me how you deal with rejection by emailing me here.
Keep creating!
Charlotte